But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
