I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
