Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
