I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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