How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
