I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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