Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
