It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
