Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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