At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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