Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
