he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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