i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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