If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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