She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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