my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
