i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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