i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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