I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
