Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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