Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
