Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize