Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
