I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
