i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
