TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
