wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
