shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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