***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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