my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
