Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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