K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Semen is not good for contacts.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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