It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
