Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
