the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
