Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
