this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
