franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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