i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
did you just send me my own nude
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
