Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
