I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
