a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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