I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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