Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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