Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
FUCK WHALES
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize