I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
