she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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