you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize