Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
