omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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