Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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