I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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