he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
