I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
