I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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