there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You ruined the universe
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
