I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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