From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
