Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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